 Oh when the Saints... go marchin' in... What do you get when you mix Corporate America with street gangs? A small group of popular gangsters who use an entire city as a playground. Unfortunately for them, a new form of law enforcement is coming in to rain a hailstorm of missiles on their fun.
 Click here to watch our video review! 1. Gameplay
 And pose.... The storyline is well written and is presented in a way that makes characters easily identifiable and makes the protagonists easy to like despite their gang affiliations. The problems that the main character has to deal with aren’t typical for a game of this style. It’s not about saving the world or getting the girl. It’s about the “Saints” brand and how the player can keep that brand in tact in order to maintain the level of freedom associated with it. The missions, the characters, the conversations, the outfits, the colors, all of these and more have to do with the “Saints” brand. The Saints are the Wall Street of gangs.  New marketing campaign or PR nightmare? You decide. The entire game pushes this same sense of freedom. The player is able to do practically anything at almost any time. Realism isn’t a factor. If it’s flashy and awesome and serves to increase the player’s freedom and/or fun, it can be done. This includes all of the usual sandbox activities (beating up civilians, running from cops, etc.) to some that surpass unrealism (sex changes at will, falling through a moving plane without hitting the floor, etc.).  Did I mention the wrestling match? Those old enough to appreciate the humor and understand the unrealism will seriously enjoy this game. It’s funny, smoothly designed, and perfectly easy. It’s not about overcoming difficulties, it’s about having fun.  OMGIAMONFIRE! None of this does the game even an ounce of justice. Just ask someone who has played the game though and they’ll back up what I have said. This game is hilarious.  Wait... Burt Reynolds?
Aside from that, just seeing what the worldspace has to offer can eat up hours and hours of time. I made an effort to try and find every vehicle in the game which, unfortunately, I never managed to do. But the vehicles that I did manage to wrangle were fun to upgrade and give new paintjobs. The game also allows the player to play the entire campaign cooperatively, which was really awesome. It was fun to hop into the game with a friend and either complete missions or just mess around. I spent around 47 hours total playing this game and covered all of the campaign and side missions. With the DLC and cooperative capabilities I could easily get that past 70 hours.
The only real frustration that I had was that there was no method of fast-transport to vehicle garages. If I wanted to use one of my vehicles, I would take it out of the garage and begin the mission. Most of the time, the vehicle was not there once I finished the mission, meaning I had to steal a different vehicle and decide whether it was worth it to drive to a garage and pick up my vehicle. 2. Parental Notices
 Weakest kevlar ever. Most melee attacks will create a similar splatter of blood. The blood from these attacks will seem to be more because they are always at a closer range. However, despite the seemingly increased quantity, the blood never stays visible for long.  Punch! Enemies can be lit on fire using flamethrowers, molotovs, and other similar weapons / effects.  Mmmmm... TOASTY! There is no gore, but there are exceptions to this level of violence. For example, there are gigantic enemies known as “Brutes”. If the player damages a Brute enough, the Brute will fall to his knees in a daze. The player can then finish the Brute by shoving a live grenade into the Brute’s mouth, causing it to explode. This causes a large splatter of blood, but no gore. There are executions for other enemies that are similar to this in the game.  That's gonna stain. In rare cases, a particularly weak enemy will be decimated by a particularly strong attack. This only ever occurred for me in one round of the “Whored Mode”. The enemy that I attacked simply exploded into a shower of blood. There was no gore.  Blood fountain.
 I pity the person that has tried to use such a thing. Characters (including the player) will end up completely naked numerous times in this game. The game censors out the private bits, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what’s going on underneath the pixilated blur.  Seems a bit drafty. One of the minigames the player will be able to participate in is “streaking”. For those of you who never got drunk in a fraternity, streaking is when a person strips themselves of all clothing and runs around. In Saints Row, the “game” part of it comes in with how many people the player can surprise within a given time limit. All the player has to do is, while naked, run up to an unsuspecting pedestrian. The pedestrian will react and the player will be given “respect”.  Streaking in broad daylight? A bold move. In one mission the player will have to enter a private BDSM club. (NOTE: If you don’t know what BDSM stands for, look it up on urbandictionary.com. We’re not putting that in our list of acronyms.) The player will be exposed to patrons that have a serious fetish for leather, spikes, chains, whips, and all sorts of devices that are meant to turn pain into pleasure.  He has two ball gags because he speaks via a microphone near his throat. Throughout the game, but especially in areas where BDSM is involved, the player will be able to find some extremely odd sex devices. Evidently they are some sort of sex machine made out of wood, mechanical parts, and at least one dildo.  I don't even want to know. The player can also go on “escort” missions. For these, the player will drive around some sort of female celebrity around. The idea is to do crazy stunts while maintaining speed and staying away from “paparazzi” who will chase the player in news vans. On most of these missions, the player will be required to pick up a second person who will then have sex with the celebrity. While nothing visual is ever shown (on a visual level it just looks like any other driving mission), the sounds coming from the car reveal what is really going on.  I meant that you don't see anything once she's inside the car.
 Huh. Not very subtle... There is one small exception. In one mission the player wakes up in a mansion to find himself completely naked and slightly intoxicated from some sort of drug. It seems to be some sort of sleeping agent or Rohypnol-esque drug. The player will have to stumble around while still slightly intoxicated and while completely naked.  Dude, where are my CLOTHES?! Alcohol is also seen somewhat infrequently throughout the game. In a number of cutscenes, the player will be shown drinking a beer from a bottle or in a bar.  Everyone has to relax sometime. The Saints also have their own line of energy drink called Saints Flow. It will be first shown an early cutscene in order to introduce the player to the idea that the Saints are both a street gang and a branded product.  California, lol.
 Hmm... it's pretty empty for a casino... 3. Other Factors
I added the note about the uncensored nudity out of a sense of duty more than anything else because, in reality, it’s a lot less shocking as much of the other content in this game. Think about it for a second, which would you rather have your kids see: a set of large uncensored breasts with nipples (added in via a mod) or a dude with two ball gags and little else strapped to a chariot that he’s forced to pull around as he’s being whipped (already included in the game)? Yeah, I thought so.
 My sister, what big glasses you have! There are also a small number of religious buildings (like churches) in place throughout the game. However, these are fairly easy to miss as they are never included in any of the missions.  An interesting design.
 Also, I don't have car insurance. The game includes a “wanted” system. Actions that would be deemed “illegal” can earn the player badges that correspond to the strength of law enforcement that will try to subdue (kill) the player. One badge equals a small force of officers with weak weapons (usually pistols), while five badges corresponds to a fully armed and armored military force complete with helicopters and tanks. Yes, tanks are used to take down one person.  Sometimes it works too. On the street, decreasing a player’s wanted level is somewhat difficult. The number of badges will decrease over time as long as the player does not commit any illegal actions, but being able to outrun the cops without doing anything illegal is extremely difficult. So the game has developed a simple solution. If the player enters any store or house that he owns, he will automatically lose all wanted level. The game explains it by saying that the strength of the Saints gang is too much in these buildings for cops (or other gangs) to want to even try capturing the player, but the change from “wanted” to “clear” is so abrupt that it makes no sense at all. Also, after the player has left the store, the wanted level does not return even if the cops are still standing outside. Eventually the main storyline will result in the player having to make direct confrontations with the paramilitary force that takes over for the local law enforcement. The player will have to lead the Saints into all out warfare with S.T.A.G. in battles that recklessly disregard civilian lives and property.  And, hopefully, not get caught in the process. Specific examples of unavoidable anti-law are abundant. The game opens with the player and a small team of fellow gang members robbing a high-security bank. When the player’s team is unable to open the vault door with explosives, they decide to steal the entire vault via helicopter.  Oh come on, get your feet off the counter. The player is also able to engage in “insurance fraud” missions, which will require the player to jump in front of fast-moving vehicles. The more damage the player takes, the more money is gained from “insurance”. The player doesn’t get to keep the money, it’s more of a glorified point system with an amusing twist.
 Gaming's always more fun with friends!
 Demolition Derby: Helicopter Edition The second mission puts the player in a giant plane controlled by a rival gang. Eventually the player will have to jump out of the back of the plane with his female partner in crime in order to escape. The player will then go into freefall in order to try and catch his female partner and grab a parachute.  Longest. Freefall. Ever. But it doesn’t end there. The pilot decides to try and “run over” the player in mid-air. So the player drops his female partner, shoots the glass out of the plane’s cockpit and, without ever touching the floor, flies through the entire plane and out the back.  Coming through, can't stop to chat. The player also has the ability to “car surf”, which is basically exactly what it sounds like. The player will stand on top of the car and engage in a mini game where the car’s driver drives as quickly as possible while the player tries to maintain balance. The player can lose balance, but he’ll just fall off the car with little damage.  Is it possible to "hang ten" on a car? “Bo-duke-en”ing is very common as well. In order to enter a car, the player can open the door like a normal person or, in order to enter a car more quickly, can perform a “Bo-duke-en”. The player will jump into the air and then kick forward through the windshield or side window, landing perfectly in the driver’s seat and kicking out anyone who is in the car. The entire motion happens so quickly that it’s almost impossible to understand exactly how it works.  There's no way this is possible. Late in the game the player will have to fight the Luchadores in a massive professional wrestling match. The entire thing is similar to what one could watch on WWE (or other similar professional wrestling shows), except that the amount of violence is significantly increased.  Hulk Hogan's got nothing on me!
Prostitutes, also referred to in the game as “hos”, are somewhat common and will appear in a number of missions that the player plays. While the player cannot hire any of these “ladies of the night”, the acts of prostitution and pimping are referred to constantly and a number of the other players will actively engage in it.  Is it comfortable to have dental floss sliding between your cheeks like that? To be fair, it’s often difficult to tell the difference between an average female civilian and a “ho”.  This is a civilian. Sex Trafficking In one mission the player will have to get on board a freighter ship and rescue sex workers that are being imported from out of the country. The workers are being transported in large cargo containers, but somehow they arrive pre-dressed in their “appropriate” attire.  But how did they get through Customs? At the end of the mission, the player will be given a choice as to how to deal with the “hos”. He can either give the hos back to the person he stole them from for a good deal of cash up front or give them to his pimp friend for an increase in hourly cash. Either way, the player gets more money and the sex workers get sold into the “trade”. Assassinations One specific minigame has the player locate and kill specific targets. That’s really all there is to it. There is a backstory for each target, but it’s almost completely irrelevant except for the parts that tell the player how he has to lure the target out. The missions never seem to affect any other part of the game or storyline. Human Disfigurement Eventually the player will be required to bring down a S.T.A.G. plane that has some sort of biological weaponry on board. It turns out that the substance turns people into mindless zombies. The player accidentally unleashes the substance onto a small part of the city, causing everyone within that section to almost instantly turn into zombies.  Zombie zombie zombie.
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